no strings attached.

and I say to myself, again and again. don't give in, you've got this. just smile your heart out through your sleeve. she'll come around.
and she doesn't.
telling me all the time she has nothing to say, that she doesn't want to talk about whats going on, yet she has everything to say to everyone else. and I'm the one left in the dust with nothing. again, and again.

a best friend stands strong through everything. and I'm trying, yes I'm willing myself forward. but it gets hard when she's only different around you. maybe I'm the only one she is real around,

I almost wish she'd be fake sometimes.

that's a horrible, selfish thought. I just cannot see her like this, and it hurts when it's just me. when I'm out here all alone, in a cold dark night, mosquitoes biting my flesh.
I wish I had company.

and the second I say that,
the screen door opens and he steps out, blowing steam with his warm breath.
and he tells me it will all be okay,,

it doesn't feel like it.

She sees us there, and it hurts her insides. her heart thumps without a beat, and my eyes cloud over when I look her way. I want to say something. but she doesn't really want to hear it. and she can't hear how her heartbeat is slipping out of sync with mine. it's killing us, but no one is really listening.
and I feel like I'm repeating, and repeating, and saying the same things over and over.

but our lives weren't like this before.
she held my heart,
he held my hands,
I was happy.

now this bitter seed of jealousy, from either side- I can't tell which, has been planted among us.
growing into a tree so big, that we no longer can hold onto each other as the branches sail free out into the sky. again and again.

I look at her face with a sad smile now.
which will she chose?

and which will I.

a patriotic lover

you're written on my arm in love,
you've stopped the bleeding.
the tear on your face has become a dove,
transparent and quietly fading.
you stood by me and look!
look at the messes I've made,
there's ink on the carpet and bitterness in the air,
but you hold my hand like I'm a child again,
and with your eyes you stare,
you stare ahead and tell me:
'don't worry, we're not done yet.
there's time to correct your bleeding heart,
there's always a time for second starts.
there's always a way for me to hold you,
hold you in my heart.'
you're holding my hands when I can't see you there,
so I'll love you with all i am.
and I'll gladly stand up,
next to you.
and I'll gladly stand up,
next to you.

if you turn your head upside down, and cry.

red, red ink.
if there were other lives.
and i pray that you won't find this, unless my wish comes true.
have we forgotten our dreams?

to kiss the sun, to melt the heart.

i have always loved you, i just didn't know it yet.


if, in another time,, i passed you by, my heart would race with familiarity. my eyes would not know you, but in my heart i would know each crease made by your smile, each fleck of color dancing in your eyes. if you did not know me, i would turn my head upside down,

and cry.
_lila demi

my foot slipped.

my foot slipped off the bicycle pedal,
my hand slipped into yours.

the sunlight became daisy's in my hair:
bold shadow outline,
i saw you standing there.

surprised, warm grip.
muscles flex, unflex. spins me round,
sunlight streaming through any empty spaces.
compress. don't let go,,

lock. stop. pause.

listen to your heart beat, fast, slow. so content.

running my fingers along the threads of your shirt,
it was all worth it.

it feels nice to whisper in your ear.

for once, i let you know it'll be ok.

i won't let you fall, your foot won't slip.
i'll hold your hand.