no strings attached.

and I say to myself, again and again. don't give in, you've got this. just smile your heart out through your sleeve. she'll come around.
and she doesn't.
telling me all the time she has nothing to say, that she doesn't want to talk about whats going on, yet she has everything to say to everyone else. and I'm the one left in the dust with nothing. again, and again.

a best friend stands strong through everything. and I'm trying, yes I'm willing myself forward. but it gets hard when she's only different around you. maybe I'm the only one she is real around,

I almost wish she'd be fake sometimes.

that's a horrible, selfish thought. I just cannot see her like this, and it hurts when it's just me. when I'm out here all alone, in a cold dark night, mosquitoes biting my flesh.
I wish I had company.

and the second I say that,
the screen door opens and he steps out, blowing steam with his warm breath.
and he tells me it will all be okay,,

it doesn't feel like it.

She sees us there, and it hurts her insides. her heart thumps without a beat, and my eyes cloud over when I look her way. I want to say something. but she doesn't really want to hear it. and she can't hear how her heartbeat is slipping out of sync with mine. it's killing us, but no one is really listening.
and I feel like I'm repeating, and repeating, and saying the same things over and over.

but our lives weren't like this before.
she held my heart,
he held my hands,
I was happy.

now this bitter seed of jealousy, from either side- I can't tell which, has been planted among us.
growing into a tree so big, that we no longer can hold onto each other as the branches sail free out into the sky. again and again.

I look at her face with a sad smile now.
which will she chose?

and which will I.