one hundred and twenty hours

till you're breathing close to me again.

one hundred and sixteen days, twelve hours and twenty one minutes

until i can hold you in unabashed hands, until i can call you
and say,


Hello.

squint

and you can see the creases i made in you, with my fragile hands.

out the dirty car window, a regret.

i see myself out that smudged window, i am leaving myself in the dust. right where i have fallen.

but can i wave goodbye tenderly?

i am in the car, going towards my future. i am broken on the road, spilled like paint to a canvas, watching myself run into brightness. i watch myself achieve things. but it is still i, who am left in the dust,

i'm out the dirty car window, a regret.

i regret not running to him, not stopping him, not pulling him quite near. i regret not showing what i really was. i regret the pretending. i regret not saying what i really meant to him, for i am afraid that every moment we say goodbye will be the last.


so i will say it now. where you will never find it, even though by now, you're on the plane. and you know with all your heart you are coming back to me. and you love me, and i love you.

that is it.

I love, you.

to be seen again, in rarest form.

Once you were a root, quietly entangled amidst the solidness of soil. you were quietly caught there.

I've heard a story about how you were pulled up from the ground, someone took the time to wipe off your bruised face, everyone stopped to stare.
But honestly, no one really cared.


And its ingrained in all of us. the legalistic fate that was softly spoken into our lives. don't you ever feel guilty? you do when it's all over. the panic has fled the scene. as have you.

Everyone is trying to be where I am, but I don't even know where I am.

Are we so lost?

lies, lies, lies.

I once lived on the Nile river. The blue hushed moon, would look down at night, from the lofty corners of its house. I would stare back at it, unabashed, resilient and thoughtful. My skin would turn as brown as cooked clay, but it kept soft like smooth water, cheering away down the kitchen drain.

Once I climbed a tree, scraping my tender skin as I reached upwards. feet dug in where the branches met it's father, where the family line continued. Swaying and churning in the wind, I let go. air billowed about me, and propelled me up into the night sky.

I reached that blue hushed moon, quiet in its thoughts. I reached it and pulled it down to the ground, with one hand clinging to its surface, and tears streaming through my hair.

I once lived on the Nile river. and the blue hushed moon would fall across me at night, digging its rays into the earths outer layer. Broken pieces of sky lay around it, where I had smashed into the earth when I had landed. The blue hushed moon scattered over the horizon, fallen to earth, mixed with our atmosphere.